Start Again
by x.SodeNoZangetsu.x
Summary: "Without her, my life holds no purpose." "Without him, a part of me is gone." Their separation is killing them both. Will they ever have their chance and be able to start again? IchiRuki. Oneshot.


**First Bleach story of 2011! I know there have been several IchiRuki fanfics out there regarding Rukia's leave and Ichigo's loss of powers, but I just had to do one of my own. **

**Ichigo's initials indicate his point of view, while Rukia's initials indicate her point of view, xxx indicates a gap in time. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach, otherwise Ichigo and Rukia would have confessed before she disappeared!**

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.:Start Again:.

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_All this time, I can make it right_

_With one more try, can we start again?_

_In my eyes, you can see it now_

_Can we start again? Can we start again?_

~I~K~

My name is Ichigo Kurosaki. I am eighteen years old and your average, everyday high school student.

My name is Ichigo Kurosaki and I just told you the biggest lie ever invented. Let me try again.

My name is Ichigo Kurosaki. I used to be an everyday fifteen year-old high school student until my life got turned upside down by a midget with a sword. Then I became Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Soul Reaper. That is, up until eight months ago.

Now, my Soul Reaper powers are gone. They were the price I had to pay in order to win the war. The more I think about it now, however, the more I wish I had thought things through back then. I hadn't even considered other options, just leapt right to it, deciding rashly, like I do with everything else.

That's a habit I've _got_ to quit.

I wouldn't so much as say that if I had the chance to undo things I would. I wouldn't, only because it would lead back to war. But that doesn't mean I don't have any regrets.

As well as my powers disappearing, my ability to see ghosts did as well and not being able to see ghosts anymore means I can't see _her_ anymore as well. The day she literally vanished from my life was hell. I came so close to pulling her disappearing form to me and confessing what I should have confessed years ago. I had all the time in the world…

Despite any special powers or abilities I may once have possessed, my memories of the past three years still exist, and, in a way, they make it all the more painful. It's a feeling of ambivalence, really. Reliving the days I actually meant something with people I grew dependent on—maybe a bit too dependent in a particular case—really hits hard in the gut, and sometimes I have to remind myself not to cry. On the other hand, I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget who I really am. I don't want to forget my friends and allies.

I don't want to forget _her_.

I _can't_ forget her.

~R~K~

It's day 257, I think as I approach the house I had become so familiar with. Looking up at the open window, I smile. There are so many memories I can associate with this one window, it's actually bizarre. I can't deny the truth, however, and jump up to the sill as I did so many days in a row back when. I climb in the room and make myself comfortable on the bed by it. He's sitting at his desk again, hunched over and doing his homework.

Out of the 257 days since supposedly leaving his life, about 230 of those I've spent right here. At first it started out as me merely checking in on him. Making sure he was coping well, making sure no Hollows had attacked, etcetera. After a while, it became almost routine and I admitted to myself it was because I missed him more then I had wanted to let on. The past eight months haven't been the same. Our separation was untimely and I'm pretty sure I can vouch for Ichigo on that as well.

I see him pause in his work as I fall back lightly onto the bed and I wonder briefly if he can still _sense_ me. I know he can't see me, I made sure of that the first night I visited. He looks straight at me without seeing me now, and each time he does I have to fight not to get choked up. I keep reminding myself I don't exist in his life anymore.

He looks through me and out the window, a vacant look in his gaze. I watch him sigh as he does when he's troubled before turning back to his work.

I just barely catch the look of fallen hope as he does.

~I~K~

She's here again, I can feel it. I can't decide whether still being able to feel her is a good thing or not. It's like still having my memories. Ambivalence. It sucks knowing she's there but not being able to see her, but there is still a sense of comfort with her presence. It still isn't the same though. I want things back to the way they used to be. I want to be able to see her _and_ be comforted by her. I want my powers back and I want her back.

"Rukia…"

~R~K~

My breath catches in my throat as I hear him say my name—well, more like sigh my name. Does he really know I'm here? Is it just wishful thinking believing he really can feel me?

Hearing my name from his lips causes me to remember the days when he said my name on a regular basis; when he said my name with a chuckle or with an annoyed huff afterwards. Before I lost my best friend.

Before I lost a part of me.

God, I'm a mess. I'm _so_ glad Byakuya can't read my thoughts or isn't around enough to try and do so. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I would have just been disowned.

I look back at him from my place on his bed. I wonder how much his life has changed since he lost his powers. I'd wonder if he even misses me, but after hearing my name escape his lips minutes ago, I know he does and I relish in that comfort.

He stands from his desk and closes his books before walking to his dresser and I sit up. He takes his shirt off and that's my cue to leave. I jump out the window swiftly, leaving him to shower and go to bed.

Besides, I can't stand to stare at him like that. As well as his powers disappearing, any scar, cut, whatever also disappeared. It's weird seeing his back, chest and shoulders devoid of injuries. Those injuries were a part of him. They held memories. The biggest scar that had been on his chest—one that had run from his right shoulder, down through his chest before stopping at his left hip—had been sustained for me, back when he battled all of Soul Society to keep me from being executed. A bitter feeling comes over me. With the erasing of the scar, it felt like I was being erased as well. It's like erasing the fact that Ichigo and I had ever met.

I stop in my steps and look back at his house with a sad smile on my face. No matter what, I know Ichigo and I will always be connected. No force of power can destroy the bond we share.

Turning away, I think about checking in on Orihime, Uryuu, or Chad, but decide against it last minute. I really just want to get back to Soul Society and sleep.

It seems all I do these days is visit Ichigo and sleep…

~I~K~

Standing in the shower, I feel her presence fade away. I sigh heavily and let my forehead fall against the tile wall, letting the water wash over me. I wonder why she's never tried to approach me during her visits. I know she thinks I don't know she's there but that's never stopped her before. If Rukia wants something, she'll do it. She's been coming here for eight months and not once has she approached me?

My more rational side juts in and reminds me I haven't said anything to her either. Besides, maybe she has tried to speak to me and I just can't hear her since she's not supposed to exist anymore.

I knit my eyebrows together and make a fist against the wall. Next time. Next time she comes, I'm making a point to speak with her. I don't care if she can't reply; I just need to talk to her again. She needs to know how much I want her back…How much I _need_ her back.

xxx

~R~K~

It's the next night as I turn down his street. I jump up to the window again and land on the sill. He's there at his desk again as I crawl onto the bed. Seconds later, he spins in his chair to face me. I can't hide my shock when he looks _right_ at me this time.

"Rukia."

~I~K~

"You…you can see me?"

A voice travels to me on the wind like a whisper, but it's undoubtedly hers.

"No," I answer, my distress evident in my voice. "But I've been able to feel you all this time."

I roll my chair over to the bed and stare at the 'vacant' space before me. Hesitantly, I reach out in front of me as if to touch her. I come to a spot where the air feels thicker and I smile. I've found her.

"I miss you."

"I miss you, too," the wind whispers back.

I can tell she's reached up to touch my cheek when the air shifts beside me. My smile twists into a grimace. This is so painful. We're here, together, speaking and touching, yet the reason I miss her most is still missing. I still can't have the satisfaction of seeing her face. I know she can see me, however, and that makes this even more painful.

She senses my unshed tears and asks, "What's wrong?"

The first tear falls as I reply, "I can't see you." Deciding to continue voicing my thoughts, I add, "This isn't fair. You get to look at me while I still can't see you. Do you understand how much this hurts me? The one person who makes my life worth living returns after eight months and I can't even see her. What kind of justice is that?"

I pause only to chuckle bitterly.

"And now I must look like some fool, sitting here, yelling at nothing."

The air shifts beside me again and one of my tears 'mysteriously' disappears. The next time she speaks, I can tell she's right in front of me when I feel her breath on my face.

"Man up. What happened to the Ichigo I knew?"

I know she's only trying to get me to argue back in hopes of cheering me up so I don't let her words get to me. The fact is though, I _do_ need to man up. The Ichigo she knew isn't here anymore. He vanished with her and my powers. These eight months have changed me and now I know I've changed for the worst.

She's hugging me now and I desperately want to hug back, but since I still can't see her, I'm at a loss on where to place my arms. She knows this, though, and pulls my arms to wrap around her middle before hers wrap back around my waist. I squeeze the space in front of me and actually feel her smile into my shirt.

"I'll fix this Ichigo, I promise," I hear her say. "Believe me, this is killing me too and not just because I miss annoying you to no end."

I laugh lightly at that. At least I know she feels the same.

It feels strange when she squeezes me back since I can't see her, but I refrain from saying anything because it feels so good.

"We'll be together again soon Ichigo. Keep your head up."

I nod, knowing she can see me and I feel her pull back from our hug. Suddenly she's near again and I feel a light pressure on my cheek. I blush once I realized what she must have done.

Now I know what 'butterfly kisses' feel like.

~R~K~

When I get back to Soul Society that night, I head straight for the Twelfth Division. Despite how terrified I am of its captain, I know he's the only one who can answer my question.

I find his vice captain first and she leads me to him instead. He's in his creepy lab, in a hunched form similar to Ichigo's.

"Captain Kurotsuchi," I announce my presence, clearing my throat.

"What _is_ it, Nemu? Can't you see I'm busy?" he whines, spinning around in his chair. He comes to a halt however when he sees it's not his vice captain.

"Oh, you," he retorts instead, turning back to a computer. "What do you want?"

"Which would be easier: getting Ichigo Kurosaki his powers back, or…turning me into a human?" I ask, only stumbling once and getting straight to the point I want addressed.

Kurotsuchi spins back around. "Those are rather curious questions, Miss Kuchiki. Why do you ask?"

"Because," I decide not to lie, "Ichigo isn't content with the way his life is now. I promised to help him. We both miss each other and he wants to be able to see me—all of us—again. If we can't get his powers back, I'm offering to turn into a human. At least then he'll have half of what he wants."

And besides, I add in my head, I think he misses me more than he does his powers.

Kurotsuchi appears to be considering the options.

"Well, seeing as Ichigo's zanpakutou vanished with his powers, I have no methods on extracting its power to give back to Ichigo. With that said, I have been wanting to study the possibility of turning a Soul Reaper back into a human."

I hold my gaze on him, waiting for a clearer answer.

"Gah! Stop _looking_ at me like that!" he cries. "I'll help! I'll help! Come back in an hour!"

I beam and, shouting my thanks, quickly flee to the Sixth Division barracks.

"Renji!" I call as I see said red-head up ahead. "Where's my brother?"

"Uh, he's…uh…in his office," he replies, noting my obvious excitement. "Why? What's got you all riled up?"

"I need to ask him something."

"Something like what?"

I sigh. I figure he's probably not going to like what he's about to hear.

"I want to ask my brother if I can turn human."

And he doesn't…

_"What?"_ he gawks. "Is that even possible?"

"It is," I reply. "I just came from Captain Kurotsuchi and he says he has a way."

Renji looks ready to speak but I predict what he's going to say.

"And before you ask, I'm doing it because I need to go back to Ichigo. He's not the same, Renji. He's in pain—lost—without his powers. There's no way to give him those back, so I want to be with him. You know better than anybody how much I've missed him. This is my chance to make both of us happy."

I watch as his face changes from surprise to sympathy. I know he understands. I smile.

"Rukia…I hope you know the sacrifice you're making."

"I do," I tell him. "I know turning human will mean I can't return here until I die and that I won't be able to see you or anyone else should you come to visit Karakura. But…Renji…Ichigo needs me right now and I need him. I can't just leave him; not at a time where he needs me more than ever."

Renji looks down for a minute, a somber look on his face.

"Well, if you're so dead-set on it, I guess nothing I say can change you mind, can it?" he asks meekly.

Smiling, I step close and hug him. "No, but you can go ahead and try."

I hear him laugh as he hugs me. "Well then, let's go see what Byakuya has to say…"

xxx

Persuading Byakuya was easier than I ever would have imagined it to be. I only had to tell him exactly what I told Renji and he accepted, saying that my sacrifice was a very noble thing to do. I had to bite back tears at that. My brother had never given me such a compliment. He made me so elated that I actually hugged him. I hadn't expected him to hug me back—which he didn't—I just wanted to express how much his answer meant to me.

The harder part was convincing Head Captain Yamamoto. He hadn't seemed too keen on the idea, but after the other captains agreed with me and reminded him just how much we owed Ichigo, he let it slide.

Now, walking back towards the Twelfth Division, Renji at my side, I was feeling ecstatic and uneasy all at the same time. I knew this was what I wanted to do, but now that I was actually doing it, I didn't know what to think.

Lieutenant Kaien's words came back to me then. _Be sure to leave your heart with you friends, Kuchiki._ If I wanted to fulfill his wish, then I needed to be surrounded by my friends, even if it meant leaving a few behind. And anyway, the only one I'd ever want to give my heart to is Ichigo.

"The method I've discovered," Kurotsuchi began explaining once we got back, "is using a kidou spell to extract Soul Reaper powers. The extraction leaves the subject just like a human. When you wake up next, you will possess every characteristic a human does. There will be no more Soul Reapers, no more sensing Hollows, no more Sode no Shirayuki. You will simply be an average teenaged girl."

I nod, any of my questions having been answered already.

He grins down at me. "Now, Miss Kuchiki, please, lay down."

I comply and lay down on the table he had set. Renji comes to my side and grabs my hand. I smile up at him.

"I'll miss you, Rukia. I'm still going to come visit, even if you won't know I'm there."

"I'm sure I'll be able to feel you," I tell him, speaking from experience.

He smiles back. I hear Kurotsuchi start the kidou chant and that's when I notice Byakuya standing off to the side. He had come too. My smile widens as I shut my eyes and let consciousness take me.

~I~K~

I spend most of the night by the window, hoping I'll feel Rukia come back. I stare out the window and watch the city twinkle in the distance. It still stands, proud and full of life, even after all the war that passed. Thinking back to the war makes me realize how long I've been away from home and how little time I actually spent here during the past three years. Most of my time was spent in either Soul Society or Hueco Mundo. Even when I _was_ in Karakura, rarely was I at home with my family.

I sigh after another five minutes of waiting. Figuring Rukia's too busy to come tonight, I turn to leave my room.

I walk downstairs to find Karin at the dinner table working on homework, Yuzu reading a magazine and dad reading the paper. I walk over to Karin and ask if she needs any help with her homework.

As I work through a problem with her, I sigh. As bad as this may sound, this isn't right. I'm supposed to be fighting Hollows right now or _at least_ fighting with Rukia up in my room. I'm not supposed to be down here helping Karin with her homework like the average teen would because I'm not an average teen.

A knock at the front door jolts all us. I jump to get it, hoping it's Uryuu, Chad or Orihime with something to do despite the late hour. When I open the door, my jaw hits the floor.

Rukia's standing there. _Rukia_. I shake my head in case I'm imaging things but when I stop and she's still there, I know I'm not imagining things.

"Rukia! H-How…?"

All she does is give me one of those smug smiles of hers and says, "I told you I'd fix this."

"But…what on earth did you _do?_"

Now, Rukia looks at the ground beneath her and I'm beginning to worry I may not like her next words.

"I…gave up my Soul Reaper powers."

I can put the rest together and I know my previous assumption was correct. I'm not too keen on what she's done, but…the fact that she's done this for me—for _us_—speaks volumes.

My silence is making her nervous and she attempts to glare up at me in annoyance yet comes off as fearful.

"C-Come on, Ichigo, say something!"

"I…" My throat dries up as I continue to process _exactly_ what she's done. She's had her Soul Reaper powers removed—Kurotsuchi's doing, no doubt—to be left as merely human. Like me. She gave up all she's ever known, her entire past and life, her friends and Byakuya…for _me_?

"I…" I swallow, remembering I was supposed to be saying something. "I can't believe Byakuya let you do this…"

She kicks my shin then and goes off on a familiar tirade; one I've missed so much.

"That's all you have to say?" she yells. "I give up everything just to be with you and _that's_ the first thing out of your unforgiving mouth? You're so ungrateful—!"

She goes on to mumble something—curses at me, of course—but I'm not listening anymore. Instead, I'm watching her make a fool of herself in front of my now watching dad and sisters—I can only imagine the shocked looks on their faces—and for the first time in eight months, a smile is reborn upon my lips.

"Hey, midget," I interrupt her.

Now she does glare up at me.

I keep the smile on my face as I pull her to me like I wished I could have back when she vanished and like I've wanted to do every night she'd come to visit. And as I feel her—_see_ her—hug me back, a rebellious tear travels down my face. It's pathetic how one girl can make me so emotional, but, at the end of the day, I really wouldn't have it any other way.

"Thanks," I whisper. "I knew you'd pull through…and I knew it'd be some foolish stunt like this," I add the last part with a chuckle that turns into a strained sob.

See? I told you: pathetic.

"I've missed you so much, Rukia."

She hugs me harder and I can hear the tears in her voice as she says, "I missed you too, Ichigo. More than I've let on to anyone and even myself."

"I love you," I say before I can stop myself.

Yet, as I pull her back to gauge her expression and see her eyes shimmering and a wide—if some-what shy—smile on her face, I find myself not regretting it. It was going to come out sooner or later.

"I love you, too, Ichigo."

That was going to come out sooner or later, too.

I grin and, as our lips touch for the very first time, I have never felt so elated. Defeating a Menos Grande, battling Renji, defeating Aizen…_nothing _has ever felt this good, this right.

Now, not only will we be able to finally start a relationship which we both knew was so many years coming, our lives and purposes will finally start again.

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**Please review!**


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